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Monthly Archives: August 2014

Chest Pain with a side of anxiety.

27 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by Old Man Logan. in thoughts

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anxiety, Beretta, chest pain, chest pains, psychiatrist, suicide

Just over a year ago I choked on some food. The doctor thought I may have inhaled a small part of it and pulled muscles in my chest from the coughing, which explained why my chest hurt for a while after it. Weeks later I still had some pain im my chest, not constant but would feel like it tightened up like I was having an asthma attack but I wasn’t. My breathing remained the same, no shortness of breath, just pain.

The end of 2013 was not a good time in my life. Not good is an understatement. It was shit piled up on top of a shit sundae after a main meal of shit sandwich. Work was a mad house, staff, customers and moving to new location was keeping me busy for more than 12 hours a day for three weeks straight. Adrenaline was all that was keeping me going, I loved my job and loved going to work everyday but it was intense running 18 staff, moving stock, organising phones and contractors ect.  Though it all the chest pain seemed to hang in there.

Then the shit really hit the fan.  I lost my dad, one of my best mates was in an accident and nearly died (he lived but was brain damage) and my wife was made redundant from her job of 20+ years.  All this in one week.  I went to work after we buried Dad and the bosses noticed I was not ok.  I was bottling up everything and one day it came out.  I snapped, threw furniture around, yelled at my wife, kids and mother in law(she lives in a granny flat with us).  I went to my bedroom and locked myself in the walk in robe.  The pain in my chest thumped, the shame of what I just did pounded on my.  I was in that cupboard for five hours, my wife only checked once to see if I was ok.  I was out of my mind and didn’t want to be here anymore.  Fortunately for me, my gun safe was in this cupboard.  I took out my Beretta 9mm pistol, found one bullet and but the barrel in my mouth.  I don’t know how long I sat there with the gun in my mouth but I do remember thinking that if I did this in here it would be a big mess all over my wifes clothes and I couldn’t do that to her too.  So the gun went back into the safe, the bullet back to is storage and I came out of there and told my wife i need help.  the next day we were at the doctors.

Ten months later I am still not working. Doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and drugs have all become part of my life to get back my life. Some days are good, some not so. Drugs seemed to work but then the side affects outweigh the benefits of the drug so onto another type and see how it goes.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, it is just a long bloody tunnel.

Another loss. Will more notice now?

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

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Tags

depression, depression and anxiety, R U OK?, Robin Williams

I remember when i got my first car. Driving around I noticed how many other people had the same car. So I got another car and realised how many had the same again. I never took notice before i had one on how many out there are the same.

It was the same with depression and anxiety. My wife was diagnosed with anxiety. She seemed ok to me, a little stressed maybe but really, did she need meds for it? Then my world changed. I flipped. I flipped chairs, yelled at loved ones and locked myself in a cupboard with a gun in my mouth. I laugh now but I obviously wasn’t serious because I thought of the mess this would make over all our clothes and put the gun away. Five hours later i came to realise i need help. I went to a doctor and was told I have depression and anxiety. Wow, this shit is real. My wife’s anxiety was treated well with just meds. They calmed her down and she functioned normally. Thank goodness she did too because mine was a little different. It has been nine months of meds, doctors, therapists and psychiatrists and i still wake up wondering why somedays.

Today I woke up and felt something was wrong. Something was not right in the world. Then the news came on. Robin Williams is dead, suicide because of on going battle with depression. The funniest man on earth had depression. Wonder if this will show people that this is a serious disease. Charlotte Dawson killed herself earlier in the year and there was a bit of a outcry then but with in a couple days all was forgotten. Maybe it will take someone who always seemed to be laughing and making us laugh to shine light on this darkness that is infecting so many lives.

If you know someone with depression or think someone might just be a little off, ask them “R U OK?”. There are always campaigns promoting this question but do we really need to be reminded to be human? R U OK? You can change a life.

Blackadder, back and forth.

03 Sunday Aug 2014

Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

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Certain situations in the world made me think of this one.

You can not rewrite history. It has happened, it is written and can not be erased, it is in the past. Think about writing the future, it is still a blank page. What we do today effects the future and not the past.

So many things happening in the world that are due to things in the past. I won’t go into them(promised my wife I would keep this blog upbeat) but things that happened 70 years, 100 years, 2000 years ago will not change if you don’t “let it go”(anyone with kids just sung those last three words). The world and humankind have changed so much, especially in the last 200 years, that when things started to take direction back then (Re: Civilisation/Religion) are now moot.

The modern world has no place for the writings from 1800 to 2000 years ago. There is no way they could see how we evolved as people and in technology. Just as we have no idea where we will be in another 2000 years.

No more back and forth. Lets just go forward.

Dealing with depression.

02 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by Old Man Logan. in thoughts

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Tags

churchill, depression, hitler

My mind is a mess. I think constantly of things and minutes later forget them. Thoughts of jobs, life and happiness. Bad thoughts, evil and self loathing. I write them down in here sometimes. Mostly the good ones that will shine bright one day. But today is a dark day. I am in a slump and fear it turning into a pit. A pit of despair and pity. One of worthlessness. Days like today suck. I feel I should be more. Do More to make a mark. I feel I was born a few generations late. And then I wonder what I would be if was born then, good or evil. Would I be a Churchill or Hitler. The evil lurks just beneath the surface of us all.

The sun sets everyday. From the day we are born till the day we die the sun rises and sets. An yet it is only in our sunset years that we start to appreciate the real sunsets and rises. For we know that they are getting limited in number for us to see.

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Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

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