• Welcome to Ramblings of an Old Man
  • A touch of Frost.
  • There’s a buzz in my head
  • thoughts

ramblingsofanoldmandotcom

~ things that go on in my mind

ramblingsofanoldmandotcom

Monthly Archives: January 2015

Blood is thicker then water.

27 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

blood, family, kids, old, reflecting, shrink, teenager, young

I don’t know whether it is just me or if anyone else has this kind of relationship with their blood relatives. The whole you can pick your friends but not your family, well some days I wish we could.

I have never had a close relationship with my mother, father or three older brothers. I knew mum and dad loved me and I love them but I always felt like the black sheep. My oldest brother left home at 15 and went to work in the railway. My next oldest was a cricketer of some repute in the day and my next brother was a cricketing STAR and still is. Many around town knew of the “Logan boys” and their sporting prowess. Many more new of my fathers skills and expertise in motor building. Mother worked odd jobs all over and was always the faithful wife by dads side, in sickness and health (I don’t remember much of the health, mostly sickness). She worked selling tickets for charities, the corner shop at the beach when we went on holidays and was there for us all it seemed.

Then there was me, the youngest “Logan”. At school everyone thought i would be the great sports star like my two older brothers. Boy were they wrong. I got knocked out in my first cricket match. I was the wicket keeper (why I don’t know as my brothers were batsmen and bowlers) and out paceman “Jonesy” sent a screamer that made it past the batsman, past the stumps and past my gloves. Good thing my head was there to stop it going to the boundary for four byes. So I gave tennis a go. Day one on the tennis court, I tossed the ball up to serve when a cricket ball, from the practice nets next to the court, came over the fence and smashed me on the top of the head and, you guessed it, knocked me out. Football and soccer never appealed to me, to many rules, so next up was hockey (not ice but field for you peoples in the northern hemisphere).

I actually was not bad at hockey and did play it for many years until one time when I representing my district, I was made goalie because the guy who was meant to be was sick. Not a worries, I had played goalie in training many times, so give me the gear and I will suit up. All the gear was with the sick goalie, back home, four hours away. We scavenged gear from other teams, any spares they had and managed to get all we needed except one piece. Groin protection, a box, a cup or what ever it is called in your land. So the only thing protecting my “manhood” was a thin layer of cotton and a thinner layer of polyester (my undies and shorts). You will never guess what happened in the first game? Yep, right in the meat and two veg, the mummy and daddy button, the franks and beans. Of to hospital we went (when “they” swell up and turn black you should seek medical advice). Go in to see the doc who tells me to ice them and go see my doc back home in a week if there still problems. Well there were still problems a week later. I was given the choose of no sport, rough housing or any kind of activity that will aggravate my potatoes in any way for the next six months OR cut them off. Guess which I choose as a 15-year-old boy? Six months went by and i was cleared and announced healthy again.

Which brings me to today where I am married and have two kids (they definitely mine, poor son looks just like me and daughter is my personality thru and thru). I loved my Dad but I do not remember ever thinking I want to be like him, follow him in career or hobbies ect. Growing up he was forever getting me to help with cars, radios and electric things. Really turned me off them as a young man. Now thou I wish I had done more with
him, especially with the cars as I now have a love of old cars. But it is too late for that now, way to late. Looking at the way my son is with me reminds me of my time with my dad, he doesn’t want to do things I do, work or hobby wise. It use to bother me, I felt like i was doing something wrong and being a bad father maybe. Now I know it is just the way it is with teenagers, I know both from reflecting on my younger self and by talking to my shrink about it (He says it is normal, it must be. He the doc). I want to do more with my boy (I do a lot with my girl, we been shooting, comic cons, photography) but I am not going to force him and drive him away. So long as I am there for him and he knows it, well, it is all I can do.

Reasons

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

dark, great, high, light, old, point, reason, struggle, useless

The following was a passage I wrote when I was beginning to emerge from the dark back to the light.

It is so strange to me that I can go from such a high, great weekend feeling good to 48 hrs later feeling like what is the point. I know I have things to do but why? They don’t need to be done now do they? What if I don’t do them? What if I don’t do anything again? Why not just one more thing and then it is over? No more worries for me. No more sleep problems, no more anger for feeling useless. No more worries about the future for me. But what about Meg and the kids? Will they be better off with out me? Sure they would. I won’t be wasting time, money, space or their lives with my misery. Insurance will give them some money to get thru some bills and they will be ok.

Then I think about what if one of them left us? Would I be better off?

No. I want them.

I want to see them grow up, be happy, have kids if they wish. I want to sit beside Megan on a deck, drinking my coffee and looking at her grey hair, wrinkled face and beautiful blue eyes for ever. I want the kids to be part of our lives till our natural ending. To visit us at our dream home with their loved ones. I want to see Harry and Shooshy grow up to be the wonderful people I know they are going to be. To be better then I was in life and yet hopefully still love me for how I tried. I want to be there for all of that and more.

And I hope they want to as well. That is why I will never taste the barrel again. That is why I will not take the easy way out. Because my family is worth the struggle.

Everyone has Demons!

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

birthdays, demons, grand scheme, grieve, life, regret, regrets

As we get older birthday parties become fewer. Is this a human trait to prepare us for death? Stop the celebrating and get ready to grieve? Should we grieve? Life is a long time, a life time. So much happens in that time and yet we only think about it when a life ends. We think of good things with that life. We remember the ups and downs. We think of the regrets, should we regret anything? A regret is something you wish had happened, that you had the power to make happen, but you didn’t. Will your life change now it didn’t happen? Would it have changed your life if it did? Does it matter in the “grand scheme” of life?

Four funerals and a wedding.

05 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

cry, funerals, happiness, joy, life, love

Why do we cry at funerals? Is it because we are sad? I don’t think so. I cry for happiness and joy. All those people there for you are there because they love you. All those people that call or come by do so because they love you and that is what makes me cry. I cry with joy and happiness for I am surrounded by love. There is sorrow for the one gone. But we can not live in sorrow. Love is what defines us. Love creates and love builds lives over time. And in the end it is love that holds us together and brings us back to life.

life, love and happiness.

05 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by Old Man Logan. in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

darkness, depression, happiness, hatred, life, light, love, shines, sorrow

life is so short
when measured over time
but measure it a different way
and I think that you will find
that certain lives
are long and fulfilling
full of joy and happiness
and god willing
love

love is all around us
but some of us do not see
until it is too late
for love to set us free
from hatred and from sorrow
and depression and remorse
no love in your life
will steer you on a course
of darkness

darkness can be overcome
with a shining light
and one thing that shines so
strong, intense and bright
can be found by all
if you just look around
at those that are there for you
with love they will surround
your life.

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • July 2020
  • September 2019
  • June 2019
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • April 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • August 2014

Categories

  • thoughts
  • Uncategorized

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • ramblingsofanoldmandotcom
    • Join 35 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • ramblingsofanoldmandotcom
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar