Everyone has Demons!


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As we get older birthday parties become fewer. Is this a human trait to prepare us for death? Stop the celebrating and get ready to grieve? Should we grieve? Life is a long time, a life time. So much happens in that time and yet we only think about it when a life ends. We think of good things with that life. We remember the ups and downs. We think of the regrets, should we regret anything? A regret is something you wish had happened, that you had the power to make happen, but you didn’t. Will your life change now it didn’t happen? Would it have changed your life if it did? Does it matter in the “grand scheme” of life?

Four funerals and a wedding.


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Why do we cry at funerals? Is it because we are sad? I don’t think so. I cry for happiness and joy. All those people there for you are there because they love you. All those people that call or come by do so because they love you and that is what makes me cry. I cry with joy and happiness for I am surrounded by love. There is sorrow for the one gone. But we can not live in sorrow. Love is what defines us. Love creates and love builds lives over time. And in the end it is love that holds us together and brings us back to life.

life, love and happiness.


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life is so short
when measured over time
but measure it a different way
and I think that you will find
that certain lives
are long and fulfilling
full of joy and happiness
and god willing

love is all around us
but some of us do not see
until it is too late
for love to set us free
from hatred and from sorrow
and depression and remorse
no love in your life
will steer you on a course
of darkness

darkness can be overcome
with a shining light
and one thing that shines so
strong, intense and bright
can be found by all
if you just look around
at those that are there for you
with love they will surround
your life.

Ho Ho Oh No, it is Christmas time again.

Well Christmas is here, done and dusted. My Xmas was spent with those that mean everything to me, my wife and two children (even if the kids slept most of the day, they are teenagers). Thanks to you all for dropping by and having a read. I haven’t posted much lately sorry but I have been busy with things around the house. Mew fence, car, shade sails and grass all been added in the last few months to our home so it is nearly complete. Must mean it is nearly time to sell and move on, it is what we seem to do. No, not this time. Not this house. A few more years here and the kids will be grown and gone to uni or jobs. A couple more years just the wife and I enjoying our time alone and then one more house to build. One more house to retire into and live the rest of our dreams in.

I hope you all have a merry xmas and a happy and safe new year. I will be getting back to a couple of posts I have been working on for this blog as well as my novel in the new year and I even told the wife I will get back out and do some exercise again so that I do not end up puffing as I climb the stairs. I am really out of….. I was going to say shape but round is a shape. I am so unfit. 2015 HAS to be better then 14. Be safe everyone and stay happy.

The western world needs some viagra.


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It has been a while since I posted anything here.  My mental health has been up and down and I have been busy during the ups writing my book, renovating and Rick Grimes kind of “stuff, and things.”.  One of those things is reading and watching news from many sources and from all over the world.  So much is happening yet none of it has directly touched me. Which is good because I don’t want any of this shit to come near me, my family or anyone I know. What am I talking about? EBOLA, ISIS, FUNDAMENTALISTS, RACE RIOTS, ARROGANT POLITICIANS AND INTERNET KNOW IT ALLS/KEYBOARD WARRIORS (this one includes me. I know right, I am fighting with myself. Told you I was mental). Let’s start with EBOLA.

Ebola has to be the scariest thing ever created by God/Mother Nature. No one knows where it came from, how it starts infecting humans and they don’t know 100% how it is transmitted, the fact two health care “professionals” caught it in the USA tells me that. Ebola has usually contained itself in Africa, it pops up, infects a few dozen and spreads out. This is when it becomes known and generally people stop interacting and the virus stops spreading. It dies off, things go back to normal. It becomes just another outbreak.

This time around it started pretty much the same, a few turned into dozens, turned into hundreds and then it kept going. The international world put its head up and said “what’s going on here then?”. It should have started to die off but it didn’t. Why? I think it is because it always had and has become “normal” so people became complicit. “The Africans know what they are doing.” and the good ole Australian phrase of “she’ll be right mate.” became the motto of the world. Then when “First worlders” helping out started to get infected their home nations noticed and brought them home. Really? Do we really want to move this out of Africa? Seems so. Spain, Germany, England and the USA. Everyone thought that because “first world” countries wash their hands often, a phase I use in place of sophisticated medical systems, ebola would not spread pass the patient zero. Well, two nursing professionals have shown this not to be the case. It will spread, one becomes two, two becomes four becomes sixteen. It does not just jump from one person to another. It jumps from one to several to several more. As the W.H.O have stated, by the end of the year at current infection rates there will be over a million infected worldwide.

Africa should have been shut down, no flights out of the countries affected. No one out of the country until the last case is over and several weeks gone by with no new cases. Harsh? Maybe, but I think a fall in the economies of the region is slighty less important than millions becoming infected. It is much easier to shut down a minor economical region like Nigeria, Liberia and Sierra Leone then say London, Paris or Texas. If it comes to that then lets hope there are enough people watching “Doomsday Preppers” to know what to do to survive several weeks of lockdown.

IS, ISIS, ISIL what ever you want to call it. Well here is another “just another” group that we apply “she’ll be right mate” to. The PC/leftist people say it does not represent Islam, the redneck/rightwing people say it does, it is the first word in the name(which ever one you call it) ISLAMIC. Many muslims leaders, countries and people say it does not represent Islam. It does not matter if you are left or right or a moderate, IS is killing and killing and not being stopped by those condemning them. The PC west doesn’t want to upset the islamic world while a majority of the Islamic world is saying IS is not islamic.

The US and Allies are conducting one to two dozen air sorties a day. Twenty one yesterday (14/10/14). When they invaded Iraq/Kuwait in 1991 and Afghanistan in 2001 and Iraq again in 2003, they flew hundreds of sorties a day. If IS is as bad as everyone says and the Islamic world says they are not islamic, why isn’t the world doing ALL IT CAN to destroy the terrorists? That is what they are. Not a race, a country, a religion. TERRORISTS. Causing fear and terror amongst the people of the world. This goes hand in hand with FUNDAMENTALISTS as well, all fundies whether islamic, christian or football fans. HARDEN UP WORLD AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Race riots in Ferguson, Missouri, USA. Not just Missouri either. Racism in the US is still strong and a hot topic. It is all over the world. However in America you have another factor that pours petrol on the fire, GUNS. Now I am a shooter of both rifle and handgun but I live in a country with what I consider fair laws controlling guns. We can have them, we just need licencing and approval from the right authority. Now in the US they have their second amendment, a right that shall not be infringed. We had several mass shootings in the time before the laws “cracked down” on guns. We have not had one, not a single mass shooting, since 1996. Seems the laws worked here.They could do too in the states, just a few not total bans, just background checks, licencing and TRAINING before getting a licence. But all of that “infringes” the “right” to bear arms. The right to defend themselves. I am sure if you wanted to defend yourself you, you would do what was needed to, like get trained and licenced. It will never happen though, to big of an issue even for the world to handle. To many anti government types to fight, votes more important then people. See John Olivers series on youtube about Australian gun laws. HARDEN UP AMERICA AND DO WHATS NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I am getting tired now so the last two really relate to each other, arrogant pollies and internet warriors. Both think they know it all and thus know what is better for everyone else. As I said, I am one of these, internet not pollie thou i have run for government before. The limited exposure I got to party politics in that experience turned me off the party politic. Parties all serve something, donors, egos, unions and business interests. I am a strong believer now in the independent, the people who run to better their area. It may be a bit simplistic but I think if you look after your own backyard, your neighbour looks after his and so on, the neighbourhood would be pretty damn good. Local area is good, state is good federal is good. As the meerkat says, “Simples”.

The internet warrior, well they all seem to be experts on everything with a narrow views and egos most can not control. They are right and you are wrong. Nuff said…………..

Chest Pain with a side of anxiety.


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Just over a year ago I choked on some food. The doctor thought I may have inhaled a small part of it and pulled muscles in my chest from the coughing, which explained why my chest hurt for a while after it. Weeks later I still had some pain im my chest, not constant but would feel like it tightened up like I was having an asthma attack but I wasn’t. My breathing remained the same, no shortness of breath, just pain.

The end of 2013 was not a good time in my life. Not good is an understatement. It was shit piled up on top of a shit sundae after a main meal of shit sandwich. Work was a mad house, staff, customers and moving to new location was keeping me busy for more than 12 hours a day for three weeks straight. Adrenaline was all that was keeping me going, I loved my job and loved going to work everyday but it was intense running 18 staff, moving stock, organising phones and contractors ect.  Though it all the chest pain seemed to hang in there.

Then the shit really hit the fan.  I lost my dad, one of my best mates was in an accident and nearly died (he lived but was brain damage) and my wife was made redundant from her job of 20+ years.  All this in one week.  I went to work after we buried Dad and the bosses noticed I was not ok.  I was bottling up everything and one day it came out.  I snapped, threw furniture around, yelled at my wife, kids and mother in law(she lives in a granny flat with us).  I went to my bedroom and locked myself in the walk in robe.  The pain in my chest thumped, the shame of what I just did pounded on my.  I was in that cupboard for five hours, my wife only checked once to see if I was ok.  I was out of my mind and didn’t want to be here anymore.  Fortunately for me, my gun safe was in this cupboard.  I took out my Beretta 9mm pistol, found one bullet and but the barrel in my mouth.  I don’t know how long I sat there with the gun in my mouth but I do remember thinking that if I did this in here it would be a big mess all over my wifes clothes and I couldn’t do that to her too.  So the gun went back into the safe, the bullet back to is storage and I came out of there and told my wife i need help.  the next day we were at the doctors.

Ten months later I am still not working. Doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and drugs have all become part of my life to get back my life. Some days are good, some not so. Drugs seemed to work but then the side affects outweigh the benefits of the drug so onto another type and see how it goes.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, it is just a long bloody tunnel.

Another loss. Will more notice now?


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I remember when i got my first car. Driving around I noticed how many other people had the same car. So I got another car and realised how many had the same again. I never took notice before i had one on how many out there are the same.

It was the same with depression and anxiety. My wife was diagnosed with anxiety. She seemed ok to me, a little stressed maybe but really, did she need meds for it? Then my world changed. I flipped. I flipped chairs, yelled at loved ones and locked myself in a cupboard with a gun in my mouth. I laugh now but I obviously wasn’t serious because I thought of the mess this would make over all our clothes and put the gun away. Five hours later i came to realise i need help. I went to a doctor and was told I have depression and anxiety. Wow, this shit is real. My wife’s anxiety was treated well with just meds. They calmed her down and she functioned normally. Thank goodness she did too because mine was a little different. It has been nine months of meds, doctors, therapists and psychiatrists and i still wake up wondering why somedays.

Today I woke up and felt something was wrong. Something was not right in the world. Then the news came on. Robin Williams is dead, suicide because of on going battle with depression. The funniest man on earth had depression. Wonder if this will show people that this is a serious disease. Charlotte Dawson killed herself earlier in the year and there was a bit of a outcry then but with in a couple days all was forgotten. Maybe it will take someone who always seemed to be laughing and making us laugh to shine light on this darkness that is infecting so many lives.

If you know someone with depression or think someone might just be a little off, ask them “R U OK?”. There are always campaigns promoting this question but do we really need to be reminded to be human? R U OK? You can change a life.

Blackadder, back and forth.

Certain situations in the world made me think of this one.

You can not rewrite history. It has happened, it is written and can not be erased, it is in the past. Think about writing the future, it is still a blank page. What we do today effects the future and not the past.

So many things happening in the world that are due to things in the past. I won’t go into them(promised my wife I would keep this blog upbeat) but things that happened 70 years, 100 years, 2000 years ago will not change if you don’t “let it go”(anyone with kids just sung those last three words). The world and humankind have changed so much, especially in the last 200 years, that when things started to take direction back then (Re: Civilisation/Religion) are now moot.

The modern world has no place for the writings from 1800 to 2000 years ago. There is no way they could see how we evolved as people and in technology. Just as we have no idea where we will be in another 2000 years.

No more back and forth. Lets just go forward.

Dealing with depression.


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My mind is a mess. I think constantly of things and minutes later forget them. Thoughts of jobs, life and happiness. Bad thoughts, evil and self loathing. I write them down in here sometimes. Mostly the good ones that will shine bright one day. But today is a dark day. I am in a slump and fear it turning into a pit. A pit of despair and pity. One of worthlessness. Days like today suck. I feel I should be more. Do More to make a mark. I feel I was born a few generations late. And then I wonder what I would be if was born then, good or evil. Would I be a Churchill or Hitler. The evil lurks just beneath the surface of us all.