02 Friday Sep 2016
Posted in Uncategorized
It is hard to be positive 24/7. In fact i think it is impossible. With the amount of negativity in the world and the ease we seem to have access to it, via mms and online, it is going to het to you no matter how strong you are and how positive you think. But you know what? That is ok….we are human. To be human is to have feelings and we must feel all of these feelings sometimes to remind us that we are human.
15 Sunday Nov 2015
Posted in Uncategorized
One day I met a girl. With in a few weeks I asked her to marry me. I don’t know why I did so soon but it felt right. She was perfect, sexy, smart, caring, funny and interesting. She was the one.
From the day we met I loved her and I loved her more everyday after that. From meeting till engagement was only a couple of months. From meeting till our wedding was one year nine months. Not long but we were young and in love. Some may have thought we were too young. 21 years old is young. But somehow we knew it was right.
By 25 we were parents and home owners. Our first-born came into the world three years after we were married. Again we were young to be parents and some may have thought so too, but again we knew it was right. Soon after we were expecting our second child. 14 months after our son was born we gave him a sister. How this woman put up with me, bought a house, worked full-time and had two children was amazing to me, but, again, she still had more to amaze me with.
When our daughter was born I fell deathly ill. This woman had a new-born baby, a one year old and now a husband in a comatose state and the doctors telling her he wont live thru the night. Six weeks went by like this till I “awoke”. However I wasnt better. It was several more months till I recovered fully and this woman was by my side everyday, every step. After this she put up with me going away all the time and never home on weekends with a very low paying job. She was there for the kids and me everyday.
Then one day she asked what I thought about moving to Brisbane with her job. I think it was this event that made me realize just how much I loved her. I said lets go, so we did, and again she put up with me not having work when we got here and going away again every month to paintball. Everyday she was still beside me when I awoke and when I went to sleep.
She had some issues that she told me about but i did not understand. She went and saw a doctor who said she had anxiety. I joked about it. Being all in her head. We were both working and earning well. Things were absolutely perfect. We owned a beautiful house, had the cars of our dreams, two perfect children (we thought so anyway) and most importantly each other. The. as the world would have it day turned to night.
In a few short months after our 40 th birthday and renewal of vows (one of the best days of my life) she was made redundant at her job. Not a major problem financially but emotionally is was. Again I didn’t really understand what she felt. I just knew we would be right. Then I had some personal issues. I went to a doctor and was told I have depression and anxiety. I left my job due to this. We were both unemployed and with “mental” illnesses and yet again this woman was there for me and still is in every way imaginable.
All through this we stayed together. We worked to get better, to heal each other. Now, two years later, we own a company that I now work for and she has another job using her skills that she loves. Hopefully soon we will be back where we were two years ago. Only this time we won’t fall.
This woman has been with me, for me and loved me for over twenty two years, twenty of them as my wife. In all of those years we have never had a fight, never gone to bed angry or upset and never stopped loving each other more and more everyday.
To others out there that are battling the black dog, keep fighting the good fight. Never be afraid to seek help or except it. And most of all, never drive your loved ones away.
To my wife, you are my heart and my soul, my wife and my life. My lover and best friend. I have always and will always love you. You are simply the greatest woman I have ever know.
Thank you for being “cookies mate” and cutting your fries up and for everything over the last twenty two years you have given me.
27 Wednesday Aug 2014
Tags
anxiety, Beretta, chest pain, chest pains, psychiatrist, suicide
Just over a year ago I choked on some food. The doctor thought I may have inhaled a small part of it and pulled muscles in my chest from the coughing, which explained why my chest hurt for a while after it. Weeks later I still had some pain im my chest, not constant but would feel like it tightened up like I was having an asthma attack but I wasn’t. My breathing remained the same, no shortness of breath, just pain.
The end of 2013 was not a good time in my life. Not good is an understatement. It was shit piled up on top of a shit sundae after a main meal of shit sandwich. Work was a mad house, staff, customers and moving to new location was keeping me busy for more than 12 hours a day for three weeks straight. Adrenaline was all that was keeping me going, I loved my job and loved going to work everyday but it was intense running 18 staff, moving stock, organising phones and contractors ect. Though it all the chest pain seemed to hang in there.
Then the shit really hit the fan. I lost my dad, one of my best mates was in an accident and nearly died (he lived but was brain damage) and my wife was made redundant from her job of 20+ years. All this in one week. I went to work after we buried Dad and the bosses noticed I was not ok. I was bottling up everything and one day it came out. I snapped, threw furniture around, yelled at my wife, kids and mother in law(she lives in a granny flat with us). I went to my bedroom and locked myself in the walk in robe. The pain in my chest thumped, the shame of what I just did pounded on my. I was in that cupboard for five hours, my wife only checked once to see if I was ok. I was out of my mind and didn’t want to be here anymore. Fortunately for me, my gun safe was in this cupboard. I took out my Beretta 9mm pistol, found one bullet and but the barrel in my mouth. I don’t know how long I sat there with the gun in my mouth but I do remember thinking that if I did this in here it would be a big mess all over my wifes clothes and I couldn’t do that to her too. So the gun went back into the safe, the bullet back to is storage and I came out of there and told my wife i need help. the next day we were at the doctors.
Ten months later I am still not working. Doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and drugs have all become part of my life to get back my life. Some days are good, some not so. Drugs seemed to work but then the side affects outweigh the benefits of the drug so onto another type and see how it goes.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, it is just a long bloody tunnel.
