It is hard to be positive 24/7. In fact i think it is impossible. With the amount of negativity in the world and the ease we seem to have access to it, via mms and online, it is going to het to you no matter how strong you are and how positive you think. But you know what? That is ok….we are human. To be human is to have feelings and we must feel all of these feelings sometimes to remind us that we are human.
One day I met a girl. With in a few weeks I asked her to marry me. I don’t know why I did so soon but it felt right. She was perfect, sexy, smart, caring, funny and interesting. She was the one.
From the day we met I loved her and I loved her more everyday after that. From meeting till engagement was only a couple of months. From meeting till our wedding was one year nine months. Not long but we were young and in love. Some may have thought we were too young. 21 years old is young. But somehow we knew it was right.
By 25 we were parents and home owners. Our first-born came into the world three years after we were married. Again we were young to be parents and some may have thought so too, but again we knew it was right. Soon after we were expecting our second child. 14 months after our son was born we gave him a sister. How this woman put up with me, bought a house, worked full-time and had two children was amazing to me, but, again, she still had more to amaze me with.
When our daughter was born I fell deathly ill. This woman had a new-born baby, a one year old and now a husband in a comatose state and the doctors telling her he wont live thru the night. Six weeks went by like this till I “awoke”. However I wasnt better. It was several more months till I recovered fully and this woman was by my side everyday, every step. After this she put up with me going away all the time and never home on weekends with a very low paying job. She was there for the kids and me everyday.
Then one day she asked what I thought about moving to Brisbane with her job. I think it was this event that made me realize just how much I loved her. I said lets go, so we did, and again she put up with me not having work when we got here and going away again every month to paintball. Everyday she was still beside me when I awoke and when I went to sleep.
She had some issues that she told me about but i did not understand. She went and saw a doctor who said she had anxiety. I joked about it. Being all in her head. We were both working and earning well. Things were absolutely perfect. We owned a beautiful house, had the cars of our dreams, two perfect children (we thought so anyway) and most importantly each other. The. as the world would have it day turned to night.
In a few short months after our 40 th birthday and renewal of vows (one of the best days of my life) she was made redundant at her job. Not a major problem financially but emotionally is was. Again I didn’t really understand what she felt. I just knew we would be right. Then I had some personal issues. I went to a doctor and was told I have depression and anxiety. I left my job due to this. We were both unemployed and with “mental” illnesses and yet again this woman was there for me and still is in every way imaginable.
All through this we stayed together. We worked to get better, to heal each other. Now, two years later, we own a company that I now work for and she has another job using her skills that she loves. Hopefully soon we will be back where we were two years ago. Only this time we won’t fall.
This woman has been with me, for me and loved me for over twenty two years, twenty of them as my wife. In all of those years we have never had a fight, never gone to bed angry or upset and never stopped loving each other more and more everyday.
To others out there that are battling the black dog, keep fighting the good fight. Never be afraid to seek help or except it. And most of all, never drive your loved ones away.
To my wife, you are my heart and my soul, my wife and my life. My lover and best friend. I have always and will always love you. You are simply the greatest woman I have ever know.
Thank you for being “cookies mate” and cutting your fries up and for everything over the last twenty two years you have given me.
life is so short
when measured over time
but measure it a different way
and I think that you will find
that certain lives
are long and fulfilling
full of joy and happiness
and god willing
love is all around us
but some of us do not see
until it is too late
for love to set us free
from hatred and from sorrow
and depression and remorse
no love in your life
will steer you on a course
darkness can be overcome
with a shining light
and one thing that shines so
strong, intense and bright
can be found by all
if you just look around
at those that are there for you
with love they will surround
I remember when i got my first car. Driving around I noticed how many other people had the same car. So I got another car and realised how many had the same again. I never took notice before i had one on how many out there are the same.
It was the same with depression and anxiety. My wife was diagnosed with anxiety. She seemed ok to me, a little stressed maybe but really, did she need meds for it? Then my world changed. I flipped. I flipped chairs, yelled at loved ones and locked myself in a cupboard with a gun in my mouth. I laugh now but I obviously wasn’t serious because I thought of the mess this would make over all our clothes and put the gun away. Five hours later i came to realise i need help. I went to a doctor and was told I have depression and anxiety. Wow, this shit is real. My wife’s anxiety was treated well with just meds. They calmed her down and she functioned normally. Thank goodness she did too because mine was a little different. It has been nine months of meds, doctors, therapists and psychiatrists and i still wake up wondering why somedays.
Today I woke up and felt something was wrong. Something was not right in the world. Then the news came on. Robin Williams is dead, suicide because of on going battle with depression. The funniest man on earth had depression. Wonder if this will show people that this is a serious disease. Charlotte Dawson killed herself earlier in the year and there was a bit of a outcry then but with in a couple days all was forgotten. Maybe it will take someone who always seemed to be laughing and making us laugh to shine light on this darkness that is infecting so many lives.
If you know someone with depression or think someone might just be a little off, ask them “R U OK?”. There are always campaigns promoting this question but do we really need to be reminded to be human? R U OK? You can change a life.
My mind is a mess. I think constantly of things and minutes later forget them. Thoughts of jobs, life and happiness. Bad thoughts, evil and self loathing. I write them down in here sometimes. Mostly the good ones that will shine bright one day. But today is a dark day. I am in a slump and fear it turning into a pit. A pit of despair and pity. One of worthlessness. Days like today suck. I feel I should be more. Do More to make a mark. I feel I was born a few generations late. And then I wonder what I would be if was born then, good or evil. Would I be a Churchill or Hitler. The evil lurks just beneath the surface of us all.