The following was a passage I wrote when I was beginning to emerge from the dark back to the light.
It is so strange to me that I can go from such a high, great weekend feeling good to 48 hrs later feeling like what is the point. I know I have things to do but why? They don’t need to be done now do they? What if I don’t do them? What if I don’t do anything again? Why not just one more thing and then it is over? No more worries for me. No more sleep problems, no more anger for feeling useless. No more worries about the future for me. But what about Meg and the kids? Will they be better off with out me? Sure they would. I won’t be wasting time, money, space or their lives with my misery. Insurance will give them some money to get thru some bills and they will be ok.
Then I think about what if one of them left us? Would I be better off?
No. I want them.
I want to see them grow up, be happy, have kids if they wish. I want to sit beside Megan on a deck, drinking my coffee and looking at her grey hair, wrinkled face and beautiful blue eyes for ever. I want the kids to be part of our lives till our natural ending. To visit us at our dream home with their loved ones. I want to see Harry and Shooshy grow up to be the wonderful people I know they are going to be. To be better then I was in life and yet hopefully still love me for how I tried. I want to be there for all of that and more.
And I hope they want to as well. That is why I will never taste the barrel again. That is why I will not take the easy way out. Because my family is worth the struggle.