Bush fires, world war 3, coronavirus. This year has been crazy. And when you are also crazy it can make life a little bit difficult. For the last eight years I have been on some pretty decent doses of the SNRI Desvenlafaxine and regular psychiatrist visits for depression and anxiety (ptsd). So this year has so far been “BOIIINGGGGGGGG CRAZY!”.
The lockdown and isolation (work from home for family) has really messed my normal around. I work from home all the time. If I not doing actual necessary work (own business), I pod and plot around the house fixing things or building things. Home was my isolation, my leave the world out there alone place. No one bothered me, I never have my phone on me unless I go out. If people want to get in touch they know to use social media apps as I will always have my trusty iPad with me, looking up things to make, do and learn. The wife and kids would get up and go to work everyday. I would then get about what I wanted to do.
But now, they wife gets up and goes to work, in the lounge room. Her job a management position in a multi national company and she is constantly talking and directing people on the phone or zoom, all day. I didn’t think it would really bother me and my day. It not like I sit in the lounge all day everyday. I might watch a movie or show every now and then but I usually go down stairs to the carhole (garage) or yard. I could even go to the rumpus room to watch something if I wanted to. However I seemed to just want to sit and be near her all day.
Now I don’t even want to do that as much. I find it hard to get out of bed most days, because she is out there and I don’t want to interrupt her working. I will literally lay in bed and not got to get a drink or food or toilet until as late as I can. It makes me feel very slack, lazy, useless. I hope a change back to the old days will snap me out of it. When she goes back to the office for a few days a week I pray I will go out and do things.
Getting tired now, need some sleep. It must be lunchtime………….
When you are young you want to do things go places and do stuff…..i remember always doing something. Being with friends,riding bikes, watching movies or listening to music…
Now i want to feel….feel the air on my face when out driving….feel the sun on my skin…feel the bed grab me when i fall into it at night….feel the warmth from my wifes hand on my back in an air conditioned room..
I have depression/anxiety. Pretty bad. It hit hard and suddenly 6 years ago. Locked myself in a wardrobe and grabbed my gun and sat there contemplating ending it all for six hours…….. then I got help.
The last six months have been dark again. Not that dark that I wanted to end it again but just not light to guide me. No motive to do anything. No energy to look for a motive. Six years of drugs and therapy and I still have these times. Sleep, nightmares, rage, crying, eating, starving, not washing, not caring. Then boom, one day I get up. I shower. I go eat and look for things to do. Then all seems good again. But for how long? For how long? I know I am not alone, I know I need and I get help. I try to give help to others I sense are like me. We all need help.
Dementia and other degenerative brain disorders are increasing. While this is sad as Terry is a comedic genius, we all should think about the rise in these conditions and push for funding the science to treat or cure it. My mother currently suffers from dementia. She doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know where she is in time and space. It is heart breaking for me, especially with the history I had with my family. From what we have been able to work out, she has had these disorders for a long time and my father hid her condition. Why? We don’t know. Maybe it was not the thing to talk about in his day. But we need to talk about it now. We need to talk about a lot of things that were taboo in the past and we need to make them something that is not taboo. Something we need to work on and make it go away with a cure or go away as a stigma attached to it and thus the people affected by it. We all need to talk about it or else we will never over come it. Until then it will continue to destroy families and individuals that have it.
It is hard to be positive 24/7. In fact i think it is impossible. With the amount of negativity in the world and the ease we seem to have access to it, via mms and online, it is going to het to you no matter how strong you are and how positive you think. But you know what? That is ok….we are human. To be human is to have feelings and we must feel all of these feelings sometimes to remind us that we are human.
Do people have so little empathy and understanding of what war is that it is only when a photo a child has gone viral that they care? Five years Syria has been in chaos and death being dealt daily to human beings, just like us. Now, we all share and cry and call out in horror because of one child, who is still alive. Hundreds of thousands are dead and millions displaced. Will we all now change our views on refugees? Will we now allow more into our countries? Will we now call for action to stop the horror? WAR IS HELL. Why is it that we only realise the devil is here when he harms a child? Will this outrage and horror last more then a news cycle or a facebook post? Will a hastag make us all feel better for having done something? Will you care tomorrow?
Well I had been putting off watching Game of Thrones for five years. Did’t think i would like it as i never was much into medievil or fantasy themed shows or books. I was wrong. If you thought i haven’t been posting much lately, be prepared for a bit longer wait..have five seasons to catch up on.
So my last post was bout a new year and a new me. Well as usual I meant well and I really thought I could get a good start this time. Alas life says other wise. So far I have spent two weeks in hospital for two different things but they may be related, they are not sure what it is. What this time HAS taught me is that our medical staff, especially nurses, are very over worked and under paid. The whole time i was in there they did not stop working, some doing 12 hour shifts and others doing two out of three shifts a day. They are highly trained people and deserve to be paid for their skills. The government needs to seriously look at wages acrosss the nation. They are trying to get the budget back in the black by adding new taxes. What they need to do is fix the wrongs in the tax system and get the right tax from EVERYONE, and then they can pay our public servents what they deserve.
New year resolutions, something to do and stick to or something we say to make us feel better? Every year I say I am going to do this or that. A few weeks later I have forgotten all about them. Then, by the end of the year I am back remembering what I said and wishing i had done them.
I am sure that this year, I will do as I say. This is the year. My resolutions shall become fruitful…………
Oh look, ham………
HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL….
REMEMBER, THE PAST IS THE PAST,
IT IS NOW DONE AND DUSTED.
IT IS A NEW YEAR NOW, DRINK AND PARTY,
JUST DON’T GET BUSTED…
SOME GOOD TIMES AND BAD ARE AHEAD OF US ALL,
SO COME ON 2016, LETS HAVE A BALL….
Thank you all who have visited and read the things in my mind. I shall hopefully be blogging a bit more in 2016, as well as getting back to my novel…it is in me and i must get it out. I may post the prologue here to get a feel of what you think, or some of it…
Again, thank you for being here and may your new year be great and please, stay safe….
Old Man Logan..