I want to live.

When you are young you want to do things go places and do stuff…..i remember always doing something. Being with friends,riding bikes, watching movies or listening to music…

Now i want to feel….feel the air on my face when out driving….feel the sun on my skin…feel the bed grab me when i fall into it at night….feel the warmth from my wifes hand on my back in an air conditioned room..

Been gone a while but back for a bit…… how long for no one knows….


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I have depression/anxiety. Pretty bad. It hit hard and suddenly 6 years ago. Locked myself in a wardrobe and grabbed my gun and sat there contemplating ending it all for six hours…….. then I got help.

The last six months have been dark again. Not that dark that I wanted to end it again but just not light to guide me. No motive to do anything. No energy to look for a motive. Six years of drugs and therapy and I still have these times. Sleep, nightmares, rage, crying, eating, starving, not washing, not caring. Then boom, one day I get up. I shower. I go eat and look for things to do. Then all seems good again. But for how long? For how long? I know I am not alone, I know I need and I get help. I try to give help to others I sense are like me. We all need help.

Terry Jones diagnosed with dementia.


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Dementia and other degenerative brain disorders are increasing. While this is sad as Terry is a comedic genius, we all should think about the rise in these conditions and push for funding the science to treat or cure it. My mother currently suffers from dementia. She doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know where she is in time and space. It is heart breaking for me, especially with the history I had with my family. From what we have been able to work out, she has had these disorders for a long time and my father hid her condition. Why? We don’t know. Maybe it was not the thing to talk about in his day. But we need to talk about it now. We need to talk about a lot of things that were taboo in the past and we need to make them something that is not taboo. Something we need to work on and make it go away with a cure or go away as a stigma attached to it and thus the people affected by it. We all need to talk about it or else we will never over come it. Until then it will continue to destroy families and individuals that have it.

Why do we feel?


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It is hard to be positive 24/7. In fact i think it is impossible. With the amount of negativity in the world and the ease we seem to have access to it, via mms and online, it is going to het to you no matter how strong you are and how positive you think. But you know what? That is ok….we are human. To be human is to have feelings and we must feel all of these feelings sometimes to remind us that we are human.

Sherman said it best, but do we listen?


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Do people have so little empathy and understanding of what war is that it is only when a photo a child has gone viral that they care? Five years Syria has been in chaos and death being dealt daily to human beings, just like us. Now, we all share and cry and call out in horror because of one child, who is still alive. Hundreds of thousands are dead and millions displaced. Will we all now change our views on refugees? Will we now allow more into our countries? Will we now call for action to stop the horror? WAR IS HELL. Why is it that we only realise the devil is here when he harms a child? Will this outrage and horror last more then a news cycle or a facebook post? Will a hastag make us all feel better for having done something? Will you care tomorrow?

Well that started off well…………


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So my last post was bout a new year and a new me.  Well as usual I meant well and I really thought I could get a good start this time. Alas life says other wise. So far I have spent two weeks in hospital for two different things but they may be related, they are not sure what it is.  What this time HAS taught me is that our medical staff, especially nurses, are very over worked and under paid.  The whole time i was in there they did not stop working, some doing 12 hour shifts and others  doing two out of three shifts a day.  They are highly trained people and deserve to be paid for their skills.  The government needs to seriously look at wages acrosss the nation.  They are trying to get the budget back in the black by adding new taxes.  What they need to do is fix the wrongs in the tax system and get the right tax from EVERYONE, and then they can pay our public servents what they deserve.

A new year a new ….me?


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New year resolutions, something to do and stick to or something we say to make us feel better?  Every year I say I am going to do this or that.  A few weeks later I have forgotten all about them.  Then, by the end of the year I am back remembering what I said and wishing i had done them.

I am sure that this year, I will do as I say.  This is the year. My resolutions shall become fruitful…………

Oh look, ham………



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Thank you all who have visited and read the things in my mind. I shall hopefully be blogging a bit more in 2016, as well as getting back to my novel…it is in me and i must get it out. I may post the prologue here to get a feel of what you think, or some of it…

Again, thank you for being here and may your new year be great and please, stay safe….

Old Man Logan..

My love is like a story book story……


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One day I met a girl. With in a few weeks I asked her to marry me. I don’t know why I did so soon but it felt right. She was perfect, sexy, smart, caring, funny and interesting. She was the one.
From the day we met I loved her and I loved her more everyday after that. From meeting till engagement was only a couple of months. From meeting till our wedding was one year nine months. Not long but we were young and in love. Some may have thought we were too young. 21 years old is young. But somehow we knew it was right.
By 25 we were parents and home owners. Our first-born came into the world three years after we were married. Again we were young to be parents and some may have thought so too, but again we knew it was right. Soon after we were expecting our second child. 14 months after our son was born we gave him a sister. How this woman put up with me, bought a house, worked full-time and had two children was amazing to me, but, again, she still had more to amaze me with.
When our daughter was born I fell deathly ill. This woman had a new-born baby, a one year old and now a husband in a comatose state and the doctors telling her he wont live thru the night. Six weeks went by like this till I “awoke”. However I wasnt better. It was several more months till I recovered fully and this woman was by my side everyday, every step. After this she put up with me going away all the time and never home on weekends with a very low paying job. She was there for the kids and me everyday.
Then one day she asked what I thought about moving to Brisbane with her job. I think it was this event that made me realize just how much I loved her. I said lets go, so we did, and again she put up with me not having work when we got here and going away again every month to paintball. Everyday she was still beside me when I awoke and when I went to sleep.
She had some issues that she told me about but i did not understand. She went and saw a doctor who said she had anxiety. I joked about it. Being all in her head. We were both working and earning well. Things were absolutely perfect. We owned a beautiful house, had the cars of our dreams, two perfect children (we thought so anyway) and most importantly each other. The. as the world would have it day turned to night.
In a few short months after our 40 th birthday and renewal of vows (one of the best days of my life) she was made redundant at her job. Not a major problem financially but emotionally is was. Again I didn’t really understand what she felt. I just knew we would be right. Then I had some personal issues. I went to a doctor and was told I have depression and anxiety. I left my job due to this. We were both unemployed and with “mental” illnesses and yet again this woman was there for me and still is in every way imaginable.

All through this we stayed together. We worked to get better, to heal each other. Now, two years later, we own a company that I now work for and she has another job using her skills that she loves. Hopefully soon we will be back where we were two years ago. Only this time we won’t fall.

This woman has been with me, for me and loved me for over twenty two years, twenty of them as my wife. In all of those years we have never had a fight, never gone to bed angry or upset and never stopped loving each other more and more everyday.

To others out there that are battling the black dog, keep fighting the good fight. Never be afraid to seek help or except it. And most of all, never drive your loved ones away.

To my wife, you are my heart and my soul, my wife and my life. My lover and best friend. I have always and will always love you. You are simply the greatest woman I have ever know.

Thank you for being “cookies mate” and cutting your fries up and for everything over the last twenty two years you have given me.